A bitter April 17th

Lies & Deceit

I wanted to believe that I have a brave heart but the truth never lets me live in this illusion for too long. Today my heart ached; I felt betrayed and down for I realized how weak I am to fall for tricks yet again.

I may have experienced things against my will tonight but I had to learn the bitter truth that I have shunned away for days now. People I thought I can grow fond of and be trusted turned out to be just… being practical. It’s not that I experienced something that could make me distrust them, there are some little things though that can support my cousins’ advises and warnings. I am thankful for what my cousin is doing for me but at the same time I am sad that things just have to turn out this way.

Honestly, I can’t wait to get out of that world. Never mind the easiness of the job; I will never be comfortable in a place and situation where my beliefs and values are being put at stake.

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Written: April 17, 2008/1:47 AM

A made believe dictionary. I don’t want it.

I was presented a new dictionary but the meanings of the words are different from what I know.

“Nanghahawak sya pero mabait yan”. “Pumayag na akong magpahawak basta lang may costumer.”

I smiled at her as she said these words although deep inside my whole being’s protesting with passion. A new place, a different culture… true, but there are universal actions and meanings to words that need not be interpreted in a different way. Things are as they are in that world because they let it be that way. They even encourage it. That’s not the world for me.

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Written: April 17, 2008/ 2:00 AM

A future but not here.

I’ve become like them where getting married despite the lack of a fairytale romance has become an option just to be able to stay. Right now I have no qualms about it. But seriously, let me find someone but please not here. Right now my image of Japanese men is more on the negative side rather than the pleasing one. I’m not giving up yet, but I refuse to find my future in that world. There must still be something better out there for me.

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Written: April 17, 2008/2:10 AM