10th erasure

February 26, 2009

10^th erasure

I feel like doing a little cleaning tonight but I’m not going to because, well, it’s already pretty late do such an activity. This urge started with a table actually. You see, I have this image of a table that keeps on tugging my memory since past seven thirty. I know that table; we have it around the house. In fact, I know exactly where it is but can’t really pull it out, out of whim. I can already picture it in my head – how perfect it would be in my room.

Just received a sweet mail response from my hubby, making me giddy out of concentration.kukuku

Anyways, where was I… oh, the table. As a matter of fact, it is my sister who has all legal claims of ownership to that table. Ever since she asked to place it here for the time being, that table never left the house again and it’s been years… probably even a decade already. It’s been everywhere – the master’s bedroom, my brothers’, my room, backyard, front yard, dog’s place and now, in my older brother’s new room. Before coming to this house, that table has had its own other past memories as well. Neat huh! Today I want it, back in my room.

But I’m not really writing this to tell the story of “that” table or to establish a supernatural connection with it’s wavelengths to uncover its past. That’s beyond my intentions. Actually I’m here to talk about relationship – “friendship” to be exact. So what’s the connection with the table and this friendship? None actually.

Okay, here goes the story of a friend of a friend. She has a best friend. Yes, she’s a she. Who? The she and the best friend. They had a small rift in their friendship brought about by life choices and certain whooping in scale events. Those whoopers slash “events” started happening all at the same time and as much as she wanted to be there for the best friend, she had her own things to deal with as well. It affected their friendship as much as she hoped it wouldn’t. Plus the fact that the “she” is a superstitious, unpredictable gal. Now new things had and are happening in her life where she wishes the best friend to be part of. But, there is a barrier obviously permitting from the best friend despite the words of reassurances that things could still go back to what was before. So it hit her: “If every time an important thing is happening to me and I can’t ask her to be part of it because of fear that she’ll reject me, she’ll miss being in every important things happening in my life. Then we can truly never go back to how things were before”.

Sad, isn’t it. The story hasn’t had its final period though. It’s far from its end but how it would end, she hopes it’ll be for the best. “A “fairytale ending” maybe?”, at least that’s what she hopes.

Now what do you think of my story? I mean, is there anything you can say about it? Oh, and never believe intro’s like “a friend of a friend”. It’s an old trick in the book. Come on. You didn’t fell for it, right?

Feb. 14 blues

I have such good friends. Some who probably thinks I’ve abandoned them. Why, I can’t help if I get unpredictable more days than not and is almost always overruled by silly beliefs. Heck I know it’s silly to believe in them – silly beliefs – but funnily, indifference to them only brings me back to “I told you so’s.” It’s crazy; I’m a slave of many “silly beliefs”. RAWR.

Friendship is not something you can just leave off somewhere and pick up any given time isn’t it? I used to believe that it’s okay that way; that it can still work regardless of boundaries and time. But the more I want to believe it, the more it proves the opposite. Or probably it doesn’t work on everyone. Yeah, right…

I wanted to share the happiest, saddest, scariest seconds and the peak moments of this year for me to a friend maybe. But, oh well, honestly, I feel alone.

Battleground “chin”

February 20, 2009

I went for my monthly facial cleaning session today. Well, it’s not really a monthly regular thing yet but I really want to keep it that way. I have very sensitive and pimple-prone face so I need to have a monthly thing for it. Wouldn’t really be a problem if only I’m not unemployed.

About a month ago, I started using an acne gel which somehow worked for me. On top of that I also started drinking this Chinese medicine which helps clean the blood and keeps your face pimple free. I swear it works wonders but I had to stop drinking it for a while until at least… So having to leave the fate of my face to the gel alone, it was holding up well until I had to wear cosmetics for that special day last 10^th of February. I knew it would happen but I didn’t expect it’ll be that extreme. I hate the salon my mom chose. I’ve always hated it but all the times I still end up having my hair and make up done there – prom night, graduation, wedding, etc – thanks to my mom. She says it’s convenient – near to our place and cheap. I swear she’s an avid fan of that old-fashioned salon and just wouldn’t admit it. She might have compromised herself for the convenience and affordability but not me, I’m gon’na find my own, reliable salon that knows when to keep up with the trends and whatnot.

But this entry is not about finding my salon, isn’t it. Going back to the topic, I underwent intense and painful facial cleaning again. I hated that it hurts – it’s the on the hand prime example of the saying “pain in beauty”. You want to be beautiful? Then accept and endure all the pains that comes with it.

My chin had it worst. It’s like having the attack on Pearl Harbor replayed right on top of my chin. My chin is one of my pimple-prone zones. The cosmetic allergy + very little anti pimple maintainer + the facial hair of my husband rubbing on my chin every time we kiss (ah, one negative side effect resulting from learning the art of kissing!), I earned a pimple-full face enough to be a candidate for a painful battleground.

It lasted for about an hour; I’m hopeful but not fully satisfied. Now I have to wait if it’ll be effective enough to last me at least a satisfactorily month.

Then before we came back home, a piece of meat from the siopao I was eating fell off while I was on an escalator. I knew I had to pick it up not just out of courtesy but to spare the piece of meat from being repeatedly tossed and trampled at the end of that machine. It deserves better.

1000 words

February 19, 2009

I know that you’re hiding things
Using gentle words to shelter me
Your words were like a dream
But dreams could never fool me
Not that easily

I acted so distant then
Didn’t say goodbye before you left
But I was listening
You’ll fight your battles far from me
Far too easily

“Save your tears cause I’ll come back”
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door
But still I swore
To hide the pain when I turn back the pages
Shouting might have been the answer
What if I’d cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart
But now I’m not afraid to say what’s in my heart

‘Cause a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They’ll fly to you
Even though I can’t see I know they’re reaching you
Suspended on silver wings

Oh a thousand words
One thousand embraces
Will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away
They’ll hold you forever

Oh a thousand words(a thousand words)
Have never been spoken(oh yeah)
They’ll fly to you
They’ll carry you home(carry you home)and back into my arms
Suspended on silver wings(on silver wings!)

And a thousand words (oh)
Call out through the ages(call through the ages!)
They’ll cradle you(oh yeah)
Turning all of the lonely years to only days(only days)
They’ll hold you forever
Oh a thousand words

I thought it wouldn’t hurt that much but it does… I keep telling others that it was just a short time, how much can it affect me? But…

Sleeping beside each other, hugging until our limbs numbs; passionate goodnight kisses, sweet morning kisses; looking at each others eyes, studying each others facial features when one thinks the other doesn’t realize; touches that may seem nothing but means thousands of words for each other… it was just a month and yet it felt like a lifetime… now that I’m all by myself again, I feel darn incomplete. And lonely.

I miss my husband. I want to be with my husband – the man I love.

Chapter 24

Chapter 24

February 16, 2009

Went to a different country, had a new nephew, experienced some things that could probably be the most extreme experience I could ever imagine myself in, got involved in a relationship for the very first time and months later, got married. So what’s new to me you ask? Phew… all in one year huh!

If you’re going to ask me if I’m happy, I’d say yes. If I’m sad? Partly yes. If I regret anything that I’ve done these past months, NO.

Here I am beside the man I married writing down thoughts that had been webbing in my mind for the past few days as I simultaneous think of gifts, money, downloads, sex and books. There he was bugging me whole day with intentions to copulate and give him a child as swift as a blink of the eye if possible but here he is now, snuggled like a baby, cradling his stomach ache.

Not once did I ask myself if I love this man enough to marry him. Aside from thoughts of my age and fears, I find no other reason not to. Seven months relationship – enough to make people raise eyebrows especially for people who pre-judged me as the non-marrying type. Well, what can I say… aside from extruding the non-marrying type attitude, I know myself as a person with humongous mood swings, unpredictable tendencies and a slave to signs and fate as well.

[…]

I’m a potato. Now give me that number!

One thing I hate about time passing by is me forgetting important stuffs that I used to know in a heart beat – phone numbers for example. I told my friend I’d call her today and here I am scavenging half the day for her contact number. I feel pathethic. and guilty. because I couldn’t remember her phone number. Aside from my home phone number, the only contact number I remember so well is my best friends’… why not call her and ask for the number instead? Well, she’s not exactly in the talking mood to me for, ermm, since December? I lost counting.

15th of January 2009. Thursday.

15th of January 2009. Thursday.

It’s getting colder by the day. If only the days would permit, I’ll cuddle myself under a cozy blanket the entire day. But that would be unhealthy isn’t it? that and I don’t have the cozy blanket to begin with.

As these thoughts started forming in my mind, I was comforting myself with handfuls of M&M’s Peanuts. I used to favor the plain ones over the peanuts before but after seven months of beeing M&M’s free, the plains just don’t appeal to me as much anymore. I guess even then I loved the peanuts over the plain ones and just couldn’t admit that fact in belief that I’ll have less tendencies of breaking out with pimples if I avoid the nutty ones. But it don’t turn out that way; it never did. Plain or peanuts, I’m bound to breakout either ways.  So… why am I indulging on these babies given the routine? Well, two days ago I started caring a little less. Then yesterday I cared more less. Today, let’s just say I stopped caring all together. That time of the month is approaching near and it’s very difficult to control the urge for sweets. Like the breakout routine, I can’t help but submit completely to the rule of the sweets. It’s the hormones honey. That makes my monthly routine x2. Now I’m having my second cup of coffee for the day. Chocolates and coffee… what a sinful way of leisurely spending the day away.

Monday is just four days away. I can’t exactly summarize my feelings in one word. But you know that cold feet they’re referring to? I guess I’m not exempted from it either.hehehe

Taeyeon’s diary.

(0-0-26):January 10th, 2009.

It’s been already 9months since I became a DJ.

(0-0-35):I think I’ve been a celebrity for a year and a half?

Also, our SNSD’s mini album began today.

(0-0-44):As time passes by, I wonder if I’m changing or not.

(0-0-50):And I wonder if I’m developing as a better person or not.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these things.

(0-0-57):I didn’t expect some things to be this difficult and complicated

…I thought about why I was so stressed about those things.

(0-1-10):However, the answer was simple.

Because I like what I’m doing.

(0-1-16):Because I want to do it.

Unfortunately, there can be troubles when I’m happy.

(0-1-25):This happens in corporate life and when you’re with new people…

(0-1-30):I know that these are part of the social life but…

(0-1-35):I have no idea what I should do…

(0-1-38):Even adults have difficult time dealing with the social life.

(0-1-45):Social life is a big burden for a twenty year old, me.

(0-1-51):It’s not like we are machines, we are people.

I don’t understand why people don’t have flexibility and why they are so cold to each other.

(0-2-0):Moreover, they say they are the best and boasts…

I also don’t understand how there are so many misunderstandings between people.

(0-2-9):Sigh..it seems my diary became dirty.

(0-2-15):I don’t mind speculations but I hope people don’t jump into conclusions.

(0-2-19):Please…come on! Please!

I hope I’m more honest.

(0-2-27):Finally, today, I have lost an important person, whom I love.
———————–
credits: translation by cathode@soshified.com/forums

—————————–

Fangirling aside, TaeYeon touched the very depths of that part in me that had been in chaotic mode for days now. Why am I being so stressed out of all these things I’m concerned with at the moment? Tae mouthed the answer for me; For that part of me that had been causing so much trouble where there shouldn’t have been in the first place. I’m tired. I’m stressed. I want to be angry but even that I can’t let myself to do. Social life can but such a pain in the butt at times but because we hold some things with so much importance, we have no choice but to try to be strong even if it seems like you’re the only one left standing, in your corner.

(-_-) ponders about happiness

(-_-) ponders about happiness

- – - – - – - – -

One sunny day, (-_-) watched the townspeople go about their daily routines…

(-_-): “He’s a farmer; he’s a blacksmith. She’s pastry chef; She’s a sewer…

They all have a job to do. What about me, what’s mine?”

┐ (-. -;)┌: “It’s your job to make them happy,”

(-_-): “Happy? What is that?

┐ (-. -;)┌: “It’s something inside you where you feel pleasant – light, happy, giggly… Funny dances mixed with emotional explosion and everything shabangbang and shalala~ in between”.

(-_-): “Huh? I get the first part but not the last”

┐ (-. -;)┌: “Of course dummy, you’re not supposed to understand that. It’s my definition of happiness. Go make yours. But the most important thing is, it always starts with the pleasant feeling part so…, now, do you get it?

(-_-): “Hmm… not quite, I’m not sure yet.” *thinks further*

“ …how can I make them happy if I don’t know how to be “happy” myself? What is to be “happy”?

On matters regarding pretending…

On matters regarding pretending…

- – - – - – - – -

┐ (-. -;)┌: “How come you act silly and clueless in front of other people even when you already know the truth?”

(-_-): “Because it feeds off their egos. They become happy like that; thinking they’re teaching you things you know nothing about.”

┐ (-. -;)┌: “But that’s just lying. Who do you think you’re fooling?”

(-_-): “Fools and the fooled. All are but the same.”